The Mother of all Ticks.

There are some things you just don’t do before you’ve had caffeine in the morning. I remember driving up north with my kids and telling my then teenage son “there will be no Marilyn Manson before I’ve had my coffee”, as he was pushing the CD in the player. There are just certain rules. This morning however, no amount of caffeine in the world could have made it any better.
I got up as usual at six, and as usual, Rascal and I headed downstairs so I could put him out in the backyard to pee. I had just put his collar on, and was holding it in one hand as I attached the leash to it with the other, and there it was. The Mother of all Ticks! A Teenage Mutant Ninja Tick. It was, without exaggeration, the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. I actually jumped back in the house as my hand passed over it! Rascal was oblivious and just wandered outside to do his business.

I stood in the kitchen feeling slightly nauseous, knowing I was going to have to do something about this…thing! What you have to understand is, removing ticks from a dog, while not pleasant, has never particularly bothered me before. It’s a necessary thing, and I just do it. But this, this Tick was not normal. It was the kind of tick you’d find in a Spiderman Movie attacking the trains in Grand Central Station.

I went looking for the tweezers I keep for these occasions, but I couldn’t find them anywhere.
Rascal came back in the house and I took him into the bathroom and I tried to steal myself for the task ahead. Kaitlin walked in and said “I can’t find my tweezers….” as she noticed they were in my hand.

“I’ll buy you new ones” I replied grimly as I bent over the dog. I tentatively poked my finger in his fur to locate the beast. I suddenly saw it and squealed and jumped back again. Kaitlin was looking at me like I was nuts. She came closer and then she saw it too. “Holy F**k” she screamed as she jumped back too.

Then her eyes widened even more as she suddenly realized what she had just said in front of her Mother. Don’t worry I told her, I said the same thing.

There was nothing for it but to do it. I parted his fur with one hand and managed to grab the thing by its head. It’s huge, disgusting head. It refused to let go. I tugged and wiggled and finally it sprang free, its hideous legs waving frantically. I flung it into the toilet bowl. Kaitlin and I inched closer and peered in at it. It stared back. We shuddered. I slammed the lid and flushed.

When I came downstairs again, dressed and ready to go, Kaitlin was watching tv. “Did you have breakfast?” I asked.

“I may never eat again” she replied. I knew exactly how she felt. I shuddered again.